Good....because I'm thinking this may get kinda long. Onward, ho!
I've always been a pretty flexible, roll-with-the-punches/go-with-the-flow kind of person, good at taking the crazy ups and downs of life with the optimistic view that it's all an adventure.
I never, ever would have called myself a control freak. Until recently, that is. Thankfully, God knows better.
He's been showing me some not-so-pleasant things deeply rooted in my heart, including a desire for control.
I like feeling like I have at least some measure of control over my time, the way people see me, the people I'm with, the situations I'm in, etc. God has been gently showing me how wrong this is. He is in control of everything (duh!), whether I acknowledge it or not...whether I like it or not.
I was talking with my sister last night, and we were exchanging panicked sentiments at the fact that today is June 1st, making training just over a week away.
As I prepared for bed, I realized that one of the main reasons I'm feeling so scared/panicked/unprepared for this summer is because I can't control it. Because when I chose to use my summer in these ministries, I was surrendering my 'control' over to God, trusting that He is going to work in and through me however He chooses.
But I've been trying to hang on to the feeling that I'm still in charge here, not really wanting to surrender it all because I might not like what God does, because it might be hard.
I can't control who I'll be rooming with for 2 weeks at training.
I can't control what challenges will be thrown at me during the advanced classes I'll be taking.
I can't control how others will think of or treat me.
I can't control who I'll be teaching in front of.
I can't control who my team will be in the twin cities.
The list goes on. And, really, that's a good thing. Because if I were in charge here, things would be pretty easy. I would be with people who like me, people who I'm comfortable with. I would only need to teach in front of the kids--not my peers. I probably wouldn't need to do anything scary or embarrassing. So it would be simple, comfortable. But that isn't how we grow.
God is going to put me with people who will present challenges: people who I don't know well and therefore am not comfortable with. People who may not like me, or who I may not like. People who I can serve, encourage, and bless. He's going to put me in situations that will be difficult. Situations that may be scary and uncomfortable. Situations that will stretch my comfort zones and require me to learn to trust Him on a whole new level.
It won't be easy. But it will be good, because He loves me.
I'm so thankful that God is sovereign, and that He loves me unconditionally and is constantly at work in me, no matter how much I mess up (that would be a lot.)
So I'm choosing to surrender this summer, to live like He's in charge--because He is.
(And I would appreciate prayer if you think of me.)
For His glory,
Leah
